The Impossible Connection

It's a Sunday evening, and it's quite like every other Sunday evening. The wheel keeps spinning, and that's probably the best and worst thing that could possibly happen to me.

But today feels different. I feel like I'm at a crossroads, and I haven't felt that particular way in a long time. The wheel has been spinning the same way for so long that it's hard to cope with anything beyond the status quo. For a little over two years nothing significant has changed, and when the possibility of that happening comes up, I just don't know how to deal with it.

This is probably not the place for a personal blog entry. Blogzilla 1985 may have started as a personal endeavor, but over the past few years it become something more than that. It became a site for opinions and news, and it really did take on a life of it's own as something spectacular.

But, despite the success and shortcomings of it's creator, it simply started as a personal outlet for the various thoughts that wandered in and out of his mind.

And that's where I am today. No celebrity news, no opinions on Wrestlemania, and no political satire to try to get a few more hits. Today, it's just me, and I just need to get some of those thoughts out of my head. I know I said I would let BZ85 die, but I often realize I don't really have anywhere else to turn.

I have a problem connecting with people. BZ85 was a nice way for me to talk to people without actually having to talk with them. I used to be a social butterfly, and I'm sure my friends would all tell you how nice I am to talk to. I find it harder and harder to make connections with new people, and more often than not I just don't care to. I've lost interest in the human race for anything other than my own gain, which really conflicts with my undying desire to be selfless and help everyone around me.

I don't think I've ever felt as conflicted as I do right now.

I walk a fine line between wanting the spotlight and wishing people would just forget I ever existed. I'd say I have a handful of people in my life that I really care about, and everyone else is just kind of there to fill the space. I used to feel guilty about it, because I thought I was somehow using these people. Lately though, I've realized that it's actually the other way around. These people are using me, and I don't think they possess the same guilty conscience that I do. There are the people who only talk to me when it's either convenient for them or they need something from me. I do the same to them, but I feel like the difference is I think of these people and reach out to them randomly. I do that just so they don't forget about me, because when left alone to their own devices, these people never reciprocate the effort.

And that's probably the thing that gets to me most now. If I stop throwing myself in their face, most of the people I know would simply forget about me. I wish I were being dramatic, but I've tested the theory. I'll go weeks without saying hi to someone, just to see if they say hi to me.

They don't.

But that's what I want, right? I got so tired of being the focus of so many conversations and all I wanted is to disappear. I closed Blogzilla 1985, I don't socialize outside of work, and I just stopped caring.

But you can't stop caring. Human beings are so dependent on each other that it's sickening. Even if it's just a simple hello or a poke on Facebook, the act of having your existence acknowledged can change your entire day.

Outside of my inner circle, no one acknowledges my existence. A lot of the people in my inner circle only acknowledge it because, you guessed it, it's convenient for them or they need something from me.

I see so many people with so many networks and so many friends that it makes me physically ill. Not because I'm annoyed by their bond, but because I don't know how to form those same kind of bonds anymore. I don't know if it's because my reputation as a loud, brash, and obnoxious personality has caught up to me, or maybe I'm just not that interesting anymore.

Or, maybe it's all in my head. I'm just imagining this barrier that keeps people from caring whether I walk this Earth or not. My ex girlfriend always told me that I was a drama queen, and I'll accept that. But this is different. I'm not seeking out problems or creating rifts. I'm just reaching out for that proverbial helping hand, but I can't seem to latch on to anything.

It's impossible for me to believe that everyone in the world wouldn't take an immediate shine to me. Yet, I find myself with an increasingly shrinking roster of people who want to be there.

And what am I doing to keep those people?

Nothing.

I have a problem connecting with people. I don't know if it's because life really has beaten me down to the point that it's just not in me anymore, or I have some kind of mental block that I need to get over. It doesn't matter, because all of my attempts to free myself of this burden have proven to be futile. I continue to exist just outside of the realm of humanity, only occasionally peering in to get myself to the next day before I sink back into solitude.

There is a part of me that wants those kind of connections again, like I had when I was younger. In college I felt like I was on top of the world, and I was surrounded by lots of great people and it really felt like we were more than just acquaintances. I've tried to replicate that feeling, but it just isn't there anymore. It's been gone for so long that the only way to feel better about being truly insignificant is to mask myself with more popular entities and keep telling myself that it's the same as mattering.

I didn't write this to earn your sympathy, pity, or to establish any new bonds. It really serves no purpose other than the original intention of this website.

It's just a thought in my head that I needed to get out.