The Fappening - A Life Lesson That Shouldn't Have Fappened

Well internet, after a whirlwind week of sudden exposure, I'm back in the saddle! And today was
actually a pretty interesting day.

Calm down internet, we'll get to all the naked celebrity talk in one second. First I have to give some back story so the whole conversation doesn't seem tawdry. And this post will be safe for work, don't worry. If you're looking for the nudie pics then you'll just have to work for it like I did.

Err...

So, my old drinking buddy Matt is back in town for the Labor Day weekend. And by drinking buddy I mean pizza buddy, because as many of you know I don't drink. Although, I have been known to enjoy a glass of wine every once in a while. Or a glass of win, if you ask my dear Rachel. But that's really not important right now, I'm honestly just trying to pad the article before I start talking about naked women.

Since Matt was in town we decided to get the gang together for one of our classic Sunday events. We used to do it every Sunday, and although the faces changed every once in a while, the activities remained largely the same. We would start the evening off with a little bit of Call of Duty, then get some pizza, and then enjoy some Simpsons/King of the Hill/It's Always Sunny while we ate. Once all food was consumed and we were regretting our decisions, we would go back to Call of Duty and establish our dominance in Black Ops. We choose Black Ops because of it's Pure mode, which is really the only way we could overcome our lack of skill in Call of Duty.

Well, I didn't feel like dragging the Xbox 360 out of my bedroom, so we decided to just get pizza and watch a couple of Simpsons episodes as the marathon comes to an end. It was an enjoyable evening for all.

While we were waiting for young Matthew to make it over to Blogzilla 1985 headquarters AKA my apartment, the rest of us sat on the couch discussing various topics of self interest. One friend had sent me a picture of Jennifer Lawrence in a swimsuit on Facebook for no other reason than it was Jennifer Lawrence in a bathing suit. As we discussed if we found her to be attractive or not, I went to TMZ on my phone and was honestly surprised to see a headline stating that Jennifer Lawrence had been hacked and nudes of her were plastered all over the internet.

How topical!


I think it took us literally 25 seconds to find the entire gallery thanks to the power of the internet and the brave souls who hide behind the internet as they destroy people's lives.

But hey, I looked at them, so who am I to judge?

Among the many celebrities who were apparently hacked and posted were Jennifer Lawrence, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Brie Larson, Kirsten Dunst, and most importantly to me, Kate Upton.

Can you feel her judgment?

Also pictured was Mckayla Maroney, which really saddened me because the girl is just 18 and already has nudes floating around the internet of her.

This reminds me a lot of two previous situations.

We all remember the big controversy when a probably underage Vanessa Hudgens found nude pictures of herself at nearly every angle plastered all over every forum and filthy sex site. It didn't really do much to harm or help her career, as she probably would have bounced in between small projects anyway. You can only ride the Disney train for so long before you either gracefully exit like Mandy Moore or go batshit slutty insane like Miley Cyrus.

And then there was the curious case of Christopher Chaney, who was sentenced to 10 years in prison in 2012 for a similar incident. He hacked into the email accounts of a slew of celebrities including red hot Scarlet Johansson and released a plethora of nude images for the internet to jerk off to.

And jerk they did. Cyberspace was quickly flooded with the ejaculate of lonely nerds and perverts from every dark basement across the world.

You'd think that such a widely known incident would deter both would be victims and would be perverts from doing this ever again. Unfortunately for everyone involved, human nature will always trump common sense.

I'm not trying to blame the victims here, and let's try to be honest with ourselves. We may send each other these pictures and ogle the hot girls, but they're victims. These were private pictures that were never meant to be seen by the public, and they were stolen and posted to the internet in an attempt to shame and humiliate them. You can make up whatever excuse you want about why you're looking at it, you're still raping these women every time you do.I'll probably catch some flack for comparing looking at leaked nude photos of celebrities with rape, but I'm getting better at being attacked, and what would you rather call it?

This is not one of those times where it's playful or erotic to watch these beautiful women. I've seen the pictures, and while the women are beautiful and the poses are erotic, they weren't meant for me. It's no different than peeping in on a woman while she's unaware. You're robbing them of their privacy and exploiting them sexually, and while it may not be physical it sure as hell feels like rape to me. It's raping their very humanity, if nothing else.

The man who hacked and leaked these pictures should be ashamed of himself, and I'm sure he'll make a decent attempt at apologizing in court when they inevitably catch him and prosecute him. Right now he probably feels like some kind of God, and there are a lot of people on the internet who would crown him as such. Who cares about privacy and people's rights when you can drool on yourself as you stare at Kate Upton's giant tits?

Now, is there another side to this story? Of course there is, and here is the part where it sounds like I'm blaming the victims.

When you take pictures like this, you do so with a certain expectation of privacy. History should show these poor women that photos like these never seem to stay hidden, and they should think twice before snapping a naked selfie with their cell phone.

Sexy.

I'm kind of a prude in a lot of ways. I don't understand the point of taking naked pictures of yourself, especially if you're never planning on showing it to anyone. It's a sign of arrogance and vanity, and the internet is completely overrun with pictures of girls possibly ruining their futures by snapping an "innocent" selfie in the mirror. Seriously, the mirror selfie makes up 85% of all galleries on the internet. And if you think I researched that fact, you're wrong. I made up that number, but believe me when I say I'm sure that it's a big goddamn number.

I guess if I were an attractive woman with a lovely body I might want to look at naked pictures of myself at any given time, but as it is it just doesn't make sense to me.

These women had a right to keep these pictures private, but any time you record a moment in history you have to prepared for the repercussions. It's a sad world we live in when we have to be afraid of losing our privacy, but if the government doesn't have any issue with invading our privacy, what makes you think some worthless pervert in anonymous Cyberland is going to care?

I have no doubt that some of these girls are attention whores, and they'll probably revel at the chance for the spotlight. It did make Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian a star, after all. I also believe that a lot of these girls never intended for this to go public, and they're going to be horribly embarrassed and it will probably ruin a life or two.

And for what? So we can look at some naked women? There are thousands of naked women online who want you to look at their bodies, so why are we so obsessed with the ones who don't want you to see it? It's not that I'm saying you shouldn't look at beautiful women. I love women, and I love to look at women. But something just seems so wrong about this, and that's because it plainly is wrong to enjoy someone else's suffering!

I know there is some deep rooted psychological thing here that explains why we do the things we do, and it will more than likely reaffirm that men are pigs. Because well know if Channing Tatum got hacked, surely women wouldn't rush to those kind of sites they don't even know exist just to sneak a peek at his...talent.

I probably sound pretty hypocritical as I throw stones from my glass house. I looked at the pictures just like everyone else, and I made the same kind of comments I'm condemning with this article. The more I thought about it, the worse I felt. I could convince myself it was okay to look at Kate's naked breasts since she kind of makes her living on being ogled. I could even fool myself into thinking it was okay to look at Jennifer Lawrence, because she's some uppity celebrity who thinks she's better than me.

And then I started realizing what an ass I was being. And then I wanted to write an article stating as such.

Is staring at the nude body of a woman we'll never even speak to in real life worth the cost of what's left of our decaying morals? I guess that's up to each person to decide. This one time, despite every impulse my penis is sending my brain, I'm going to do the right thing and not look at those pictures again.

All of those pretty, pretty pictures...