It
should go without saying that I am no fan of myself. I don't think
it's the case with every single person that experiences depression,
but it makes sense that someone that can't control their own feelings
of hopelessness won't see themselves in a positive light. I have
particularly negative feelings toward myself, as well as the
assumption that everyone else shares those feelings.
If I don't even
like myself, why should anyone else?
I won't argue whether or not
that reasoning has valid points, it's just something long periods of
absolutely bottomed out self esteem has produced, and it's very hard
to reason against. In fact, logic is completely disarmed in these
fights because they're my own thoughts and they make perfect sense in
my head. I like to rely on logic quite a bit, so it took a long time
to even start to think that maybe this doesn't make as much sense as
I think it does. When you couple that reliance on logic with
paranoia, new and awful ideas take root. Coincidence has no place in
a paranoid world, and when that person you don't even know just
happens to look your way and laugh, there's obviously no other reason
for that laughter than you being the most pathetic being they've ever
witnessed.
Paranoia
and self hatred have nurtured anxiety within me, and it surges when I
am in view of anyone. There are people I am comfortable around, but
it usually takes a long time to get there. I am not going to do well
on a first meeting situation, and I can't find a way around it. I can
try to pick which way I fail that interaction, but it usually ends up
being withdrawn into a shell, saying nothing and usually not even
looking at them. I found a lot of positivity for awhile, and it
helped me do much better at the whole social interacting (much better
by comparison). Lately, though, it's reverted back to what it was. I
have trouble talking to people again, and I let it force me out of a
lot of situations.
Something
specific that I wanted to mention is a situation that really does
seem so insignificant, no one ever understands why I shy away from
it. So, I'll take a minute and explain (to no one, probably) why I
hate when someone takes my picture.
I know, and have acknowledged
that it's not a serious matter, and it's such a personal thing I
usually just leave it at that. I've already mentioned that I just
can't stand myself. I do not like to even see myself, there's rarely
a time I have a positive reaction to seeing myself. Having depression
isn't just a series of highs and lows, it's everything in-between,
and after every crash it takes time and effort to build myself back
up. With any luck, I can get high enough to just coast along for
awhile. Knowing a picture of myself exists is distressing enough,
very much so, but the real damage comes when I see it myself. I'm
certainly not Dorian Gray, but if I see myself every bit of happiness
and self esteem I had built up just fucking vanishes. Simply seeing
myself can cause me to prematurely crash, and I can do nothing
afterward but let the mood pass by, however long that takes. Now
couple that with the paranoia, and knowing that my picture even
exists, let alone might be posted somewhere, assaults the self esteem
that is already torn apart. "It's just a picture" really
isn't that comforting to hear. The sad part of this is that it's
usually not strangers that just want to take my picture all of a
sudden. It's friends and family that want pictures of me. I can
understand that, people like taking pictures of everything for some
reason. I politely decline having my picture taken, because I would
rather just avoid all that. They playfully argue about it while I
desperately try to convince them to just leave me alone, without
becoming rude about it. Usually I'm made to feel guilty about it,
that they just want a picture of me and it's not a big deal. Well,
it's not, but it really is. I'm made out to be difficult, or rude
(which I was trying hard not to be), or "No fucking fun."
That's probably my favorite one. And it's true, I shy away from a lot
of fun situations because my anxiety will make them less fun, or no
fun at all. All I'll end up doing is regret ever participating. How
do you convince people to just leave you alone? I usually can't,
aside from people that have known me for awhile, and even then it's
not a guarantee they won't just snap one and laugh about it, because
it's not a big deal. I couldn't give a shit about offending my own
family anymore, but how do I avoid my girlfriend's family, because
they love taking pictures. I try to avoid the situation altogether if
I can, but if cornered or directly asked, I just give in.
Do I act in
a way that will just seem rude to them, or just take that hit and
deal with it later? It's usually the latter.
So,
"Why don't you like your picture taken?" or "It's just
a picture, what's the big deal?" The reason is that I don't do
very well emotionally. I have a tenuous grasp on anything positive,
or just anything that could make me feel better as a person, and that
simple act crushes me every time. I have skipped out on things based
solely on that reason, missed family events and such, that's how much
it means to me.
But I've never been able to express that to anyone,
so it's just an odd thing that gets forgotten.
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